i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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