I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
