My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
