I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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