I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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