I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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