did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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