I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My ass is underappreciated
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
