My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize