closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
