so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
