He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize