We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
