My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
