Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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