How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
