Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I need to sanitize my soul.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
