My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
