Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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