I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
