If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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