you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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