I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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