3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
