Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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