Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
