and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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