You can't motorboat a personality
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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