I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
