I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
