How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
