Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
