i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
