Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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