if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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