just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize