I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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