Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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