I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
