dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
