dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
