paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
