I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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