Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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