can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I wear drunk well.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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