party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
