I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have feelings that need drinking.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
