guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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