Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
