dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
