there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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