Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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