i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
