The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
