dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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