she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
