Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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