I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
