saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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