It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize