I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize