Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
never play flip cup with pint glasses
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
