Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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